There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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