please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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