All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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