also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
