Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
