Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
