He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i was born a porn star she said
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
3 2 1 whiskey
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize