I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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