I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
