he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
