When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
