Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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