everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
