the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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