see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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