just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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