apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
