in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
