i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
