do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
