tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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