Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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