apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
