If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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