just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
