So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize