I need to stop coming to work sober
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
