Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
