Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
