maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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