Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
