I just saw a hot homeless man
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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