My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
