I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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