we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize