So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Randomize
