dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
