If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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