Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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