thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
