Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
