I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He did a backflip because drugs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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