We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
well you can't waste a boner
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
