You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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