remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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