The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
