I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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