please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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