Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize