Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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