sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
