Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
