Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
