All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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