My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
