things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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