Sorry, I don't speak sober.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
