and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
